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I can’t get out of my own head lately.

In a few short weeks we will finally have our first visit with our Transgender Identity Psychiatrist. We have waited over 400 days to get this appointment and right now the key to our future lies in the hands of a complete stranger.  But, wait….

What if this appointment is a complete disaster?

There is no guide or advice on maneuvering the professional system when you come out as Transgender.  There is no Transgender Pamphlet available for parents. In order for our family to progress we have had to rely on information from friends in the LGBTQ community.

Josh has successfully completed any requirements we anticipate as criteria to move into the next stage of transition.

Most importantly, Josh has lived his true identity for one year.

Happy One Year Transiversary Josh!

I find myself filled with anxiety over this coveted appointment. I have nightmares that we find out our child is not Transgender at all and we are just terrible parents. I compare it to my final math exam where I went home confident that I aced the test, only to find out I had failed miserably. Unlike grade 12 math, there is no do-over option for us. I think we have nailed this, but wait….

What if we have been wrong?

We have spent the last year doing our best to provide a healthy and happy environment for our child. I like to think we have been in charge. I like to think we have made wise desicions this past year, but wait….

What if we didn’t make the decisions at all?

When I reminisce of our past year my memories are of us stumbling blindly behind our child doing everything we can just to keep up to him. We have followed his lead, weighing our actions on a teenagers inner most feelings and instincts, but wait….

What if he is wrong?

I’ve read research and listened to doctors and counsellors who tell me there is no cure and there is no official diagnosis for us.  Then a new article comes out claiming a cure considered effective by intense therapy during early childhood.  To me, this sounds a lot like brainwashing, but wait….

What if there is a cure?

On the other side of the “what ifs” I worry about legal name and identity changes and hormone treatments and blockers and top surgery. This is where stage two of our transition begins and we can not make these decisions lightly, but wait…

What if these are not our decisions to make?

As my anxiety over the “what if’s” consumes me, I can only imagine how my son feels.

What if this esteemed professional isn’t prepared to let him move forward?

Every move our family has made for over a year has been to prepare for this one appointment. While Josh has obsessed over starting Testosterone, I have obsessed over the “what if’s”.  As this important day approaches I realize that ultimately my anxiety is based on one terrifying thought…..

What if I have to give my son back?

This may seem like a silly and senseless worry for many of you and it goes to show you how deep my obsession lies.

What if I am not capeable…..what if I’m not right…..what if I am right……what if I let somebody down….what if I break down….what if I say no…….the list goes on and on.

But wait……I  have learned alot about myself while working through my “what if’s”.

I’ve learned I am capeable, that it is ok to be right and it’s ok to be wrong. I’ve learned I don’t usually let anyone down but if I do, it’s ok because I am doing my best. I’ve learned it’s ok to cry.  I have learned that not everything can be my sole responsibility.  I have learned it is ok to say no to those expecting too much from me.

Our first year of transition went very well and our decisions have been sound. With that in mind, I have decided to set my “what if” obsession aside with my doubt and my fear.  From this day forward I will turn my penchant for second guessing myself into a positive.

I will begin our second chapter concentrating on one single thought…..

What if……

Everything is going to be ok!

I have a son. His name is Josh.

Just sayin